healing

learning how to walk again has been tough.  i’m really strolling more than walking, but check back tomorrow.  every day a new mini milestone sprouts.  slow and steady.  yesterday i went to a yoga class at strala.  so glad i went. last time i was there was valentine’s day.  there were things i couldn’t do that i wanted to do because i’ve done them before.  definitely frustrating at times. almost had a meltdown towards the end.  i had to keep telling myself to not get on the bus…to stay at the station.  thank you william.  and to breathe and stay with my breath.  meltdowns are okay.  they’re not just okay, they’re fabulous…the release.  you know, the feeling of a good cry when you haven’t had one in awhile?  i’ve actually had 5 meltdowns now in the last 11 weeks since i shredded the ligaments in my right ankle.  3 of them were in the first week.  one of them was last night when i got home.  and it felt good.  overall, on many levels, this whole experience has been amazing.  i suppose meltdowns are part of it, the amazing.  there’s something very special about raw emotion.  what i’ve noticed though through meltdowns and almost meltdowns is that they come from being outside of the present.  overall, the process yesterday at yoga was really beautiful, as has this process of rehabilitation.  but when i think of the future or the past, i become attached to some sort of expectation.  and then it becomes upsetting.

 

so, on the flip side, there were lots of things i could do, and i had a great workout.  i can do downward and upward dog, i just can’t transition smoothly from one to the other.  and that’s okay. it’s where i am.  next week will be different.  it may bring new frustration.  but it will also bring new accomplishment.

after class i was putting on my shoes and another person from class came out and asked, “what did you do to your ankle?”  i hadn’t realized anyone had noticed.  i told her.  and she said, “well you did great.”  ahhh.  such a warm thing to say.  a great outing all around really.  on my way home, i passed a man sitting at starbucks on 84th and 1st who said, “you’re gonna be alright.”  i totally appreciate it.  i stopped for a second and chatted with him.  i don’t know what it is.  maybe i have a serious look on my face because i’m concentrating because i actually have to think with each step. or maybe i look like i’m in pain.  i don’t know.  i don’t feel miserable or unhappy.  it’s quite the opposite, but it is uncomfortable at times and super challenging.  to be surrounded by kind and compassionate strangers is fantastic.  really.  major gratitude.

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