change is the most fascinating of all phenomena

did a late summer cleaning.

always start with the surface. sweeping all the dust out from under my bed reminds me how dirty the air is living so close to the BQE. although, all 7 apartments where i’ve lived in NYC have gotten really dirty really quickly. the air here is dirty.

i came across an “autobiography” that i wrote in my Life Stories class senior year at Elon. my immediate reaction was, not much has changed. how could that be? so much has changed. my voice has definitely changed drastically for starters. my friends have changed, my circle has changed. in some ways nothing has changed at all. how can that be?

the most gradual change rests in the deepest depths. the karmic lessons. maybe that’s why the only lasting change must come from within. in some ways i feel like i’m still inside of the cocoon. no matter how deep i go, there’s always another layer to peel. i feel love, joy, and gratitude for the friends who have been/are present on the journey.

from a writing prompt, what i want:

what i want…i want to be happy.

i want a job i love.

i want enthusiasm and energy.

i want to never lose my mind.

i want a perfect boy.

i want to give,

to contribute,

somehow make a difference.

i want my dreams to never end.

i want to be tan

and i want to be healthy.

i want to conquer.

i want to read more books.

i want my parents to be happy.

i want to think about others.

i want to live in Spain.

i want to travel.

i want to go to South America.

i want the earth to be clean.

the craziness to end,

the suburbs to explode.

i want to make art,

and i want to make money.

i want to learn how to blow glass.

i want to use public transportation.

i want the days to be warm and sunny.

i want to see frogs fall from the sky.

i want to eat good food.

i want to not lose touch with my friends.

reality.

maybe someday kids,

a dog,

and a cat.

i want to play.

i want to feel,

want to be,

want to want.

i want to be successful,

good things for other people.

i want to see the leaves change in the fall.

i want to swim in the Mediterranean.

i want a Picasso original.

i want to meet someone i love.

i want to run through a field

of wildflowers

and tumble down

a grassy knoll.

i want others to have good thoughts of me.

i want to look at the stars

through a telescope.

may 2001.

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don’t worry about it

yesterday morning i was almost to the stairs to go underground when i realized i forgot my wallet. i quickly turned around and jogged all the way down the block back to 41st avenue. i got about halfway back to my apartment where the man sits in the morning on the brick planter in front of his building.

“good morning,” he says every morning when i pass. “have a nice day.”

i always smile and return the sentiment.

i had already passed him on this day i forgot my wallet, and here i was passing him again.

“you forgot something?”

“i forgot my MTA card.”

“oh here, let me give you some cash.”

“oh, no, i can’t.”

“don’t worry about it,” he said pulling out a wad of cash from his pocket.

he handed me a $20. omg.

i thanked him after he wouldn’t let me refuse, told him i’d get him back tomorrow morning, and was quickly on my way back to the subway station.

this morning i left a little earlier and stopped at the ATM to pull out $20 to pay him back. as i approached his building i noticed he wasn’t sitting in his usual spot. i put the 2 10s the ATM dispensed back in my wallet and figured i’ll see him tomorrow, hoping he won’t think i took off with his $20.

halfway down the block almost to the subway stop, i’m somewhere in my head.

“hello, how are you today?” are the words that interrupt wherever i was.

i look up, there he is walking with a newspaper and a brown bag presumably with his breakfast inside of it.

“oh!” i pull out my wallet and start to unzip the compartment holding the cash.

“don’t worry about it, just go to work!” he tells me.

tomorrow morning i’ll try again.

ordinary delightfulness

cleaning up tonight i found a list of ordinary delightfulness from last fall:

puffy clouds

the smell of rain before a storm

rainbows

mochi for breakfast

lounging with a lover

stringed quartet

homemade pancakes

making chocolate chip cookies with my mom

striped socks

socks with stars

socks that climb all the way up to my knees

glittery goodness in the sky

hello moon.

hello magic wand.

the smell of lilies, white or baby pink, roses, gardenias

running into an old but not forgotten friend

a big hug, both giving and receiving

laughing so hard my cheeks hurt

realizing something wonderful has come full circle

exchanging a smile with a stranger

coloring eggs

dancing

the smell of freshly cut grass

reading kurt vonnegut

reading an amazing poem for the first time

finding an umbrella corpse after a rain storm

a pot of brown rice cooked perfectly

the express train pulling up just as i make it to the bottom of the stairs

hearing a story of ordinary magic

freshly laundered linens

candles

a handwritten letter in my mailbox

a dog wagging its happy tail

kittens!

hearing foreign languages on my way to the train stop

falling in love with new york all over again

the smell of fresh pine

camping in a tent under a million stars

finding a beautiful rock on a hike

dolphins

sharing a sunset

witnessing the power of people coming together

a cup of hot chocolate when the first cold front of the season rolls in

having an epiphany

snuggles from a cat

hearing the laughter of children….

i can definitely expand this list, but at least now i can recycle the paper that was sitting around my room.

 

kiss your life just as it is

i passed this walking down lex the other afternoon. such a wonderful reminder.

life

it’s so easy to get caught up wondering about future events. for me, it typically seems to be a question of where will i live? or what will i do to make money?  i could go on and on with my wondering about future events. when i stop to appreciate what i have now, i find all kinds of happy moments. things about my life i really love and enjoy and may not have later…happiness seems to be there always, i just have to let it in. remember that everything is as it should be.

 

activating

i have been inspired since my trip to LA or maybe it’s that winter is coming to an end. probably both. i’ve been shifting things around, making space for new things, deep cleaning. it’s been great.

before, in the corner of my bedroom i had a silkscreen canvas propped against the wall on top of an applebox. it’s an area of the room that doesn’t get much traffic, but it’s what i see when i wake up in the morning. on the wall i have a collection of images, notes from friends, quotes like “one peaceful world”, “it is beautiful to love and be free at the same time”, “the world is ruled by letting things take their course, it cannot be ruled by interfering”, the list of organs and their corresponding time of day and animal, and my birth chart tacked to the wall. down below is a columbia school of the arts canvas bag that zips full of winter hats, scarves, and gloves. it’s been kind of a stagnant no-man’s land space for too long.

before

i’d been wanting to add another plant to my room. i have a couple on the window sill. i wanted a mother in law’s tongue. in all my shifting and cleaning, i moved the mother in law’s tongue from the living room and found a spot for it on top of the apple box.

after

 

instant gratification. happiness. the space feels like it’s received a much needed activation, total transformation.  i hope the plant likes it’s new spot. i think it’s perfect–the upward tree-energy movement of the leaves changed the way the room feels entirely, not just in this spot. amazing what a little life does for a space.

 

the knave of chalices

i signed up to get a daily tarot card reading the other day, which i’ve been enjoying for the last two days with the exception of all the junk email that has been coming along with it. maybe i need to get myself a set and do it the old fashioned way.

today i got the KNAVE OF CHALICES.

“this card suggests TRUST. i am enthusiastic, open, and trusting about my new  found feelings, capacity, passion, or hearts desire. i wear my heart on my sleeve and i am happy when sharing or expressing pleases and connects me to the support, beauty, and love in others. i am empowered by attention and my gift is desire or epiphany.”

TRUST. interesting, because while i was sleeping, trust was definitely a theme in my dream. so i got to thinking about trust and did a little digging. it’s easy for me to trust the process, trust that things in my life will work out. that’s more of a MACRO VIEW. the MICRO VIEW of trust is on an individual level. The macro view can be seen and practiced with disregard to the micro view. maybe that’s where i want to be hanging out? the micro view is so much more complex and challenging. it can make my head spin. it seems sort of dependent on expectations and attachment to outcomes, but i still have to have trust in the individuals in my life. it’s tricky.

a trustor becomes completely dependent on the trustee. even if the trustee is trustworthy, the trustor is still vulnerable. being vulnerable and having uncertainty can be scary. there’s risk involved. regaining trust is difficult once it is lost, depending on the severity.

there is beauty in vulnerability, though. and there are certainly lessons to be learned in losing, gaining, and earning trust. i have come to understand that there is a relationship between being dependent and dependable on a quest for independence. likewise i think a person who is trustworthy may attract others who are trustworthy. it doesn’t mean people won’t disappoint or break our trust. if there aren’t any cracks, the light can’t shine through, right? it’s a slippery slope, though. deep cracks won’t hold water.

but what can you do? people are imperfect. just as there is beauty in vulnerability there is beauty in trusting unconditionally. that doesn’t mean closing the eyes and becoming blind. trust seems no less powerful than love.  funny how they accompany each other. without trust, how can a person love?

the nice thing about trust is that when you find out someone is untrustworthy, it isn’t necessary to keep them around. it’s okay to let go and find love and trust elsewhere, even if the only person you have to trust and love is yourself.

eliminating stagnation

started a new project today. couldn’t figure out why i was feeling a little stagnant…i didn’t have any creative projects of the cut and paste and paint variety happening. i was at  utrecht for some matte film paper and spotted 6 x 6″ wood canvases. now i’m inspired.

screw

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we’ll see where it goes. i think i’m going to need some more canvases.