change is the most fascinating of all phenomena

did a late summer cleaning.

always start with the surface. sweeping all the dust out from under my bed reminds me how dirty the air is living so close to the BQE. although, all 7 apartments where i’ve lived in NYC have gotten really dirty really quickly. the air here is dirty.

i came across an “autobiography” that i wrote in my Life Stories class senior year at Elon. my immediate reaction was, not much has changed. how could that be? so much has changed. my voice has definitely changed drastically for starters. my friends have changed, my circle has changed. in some ways nothing has changed at all. how can that be?

the most gradual change rests in the deepest depths. the karmic lessons. maybe that’s why the only lasting change must come from within. in some ways i feel like i’m still inside of the cocoon. no matter how deep i go, there’s always another layer to peel. i feel love, joy, and gratitude for the friends who have been/are present on the journey.

from a writing prompt, what i want:

what i want…i want to be happy.

i want a job i love.

i want enthusiasm and energy.

i want to never lose my mind.

i want a perfect boy.

i want to give,

to contribute,

somehow make a difference.

i want my dreams to never end.

i want to be tan

and i want to be healthy.

i want to conquer.

i want to read more books.

i want my parents to be happy.

i want to think about others.

i want to live in Spain.

i want to travel.

i want to go to South America.

i want the earth to be clean.

the craziness to end,

the suburbs to explode.

i want to make art,

and i want to make money.

i want to learn how to blow glass.

i want to use public transportation.

i want the days to be warm and sunny.

i want to see frogs fall from the sky.

i want to eat good food.

i want to not lose touch with my friends.

reality.

maybe someday kids,

a dog,

and a cat.

i want to play.

i want to feel,

want to be,

want to want.

i want to be successful,

good things for other people.

i want to see the leaves change in the fall.

i want to swim in the Mediterranean.

i want a Picasso original.

i want to meet someone i love.

i want to run through a field

of wildflowers

and tumble down

a grassy knoll.

i want others to have good thoughts of me.

i want to look at the stars

through a telescope.

may 2001.

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word.

i came across these words written on a picture frame from a writing class i took late last year:

love. love. love.

kindness.

compassion.

understanding.

<3.

empathy.

joy.

laughter.

giggles.

my cheeks hurt.

embrace.

trust.

integrity.

collaboration.

hugs.

connection.

vibration.

<3.

community.

mindful meditation.

silent.

listen.

body.

mind.

spirit.

chakras.

veins.

meridians.

auras.

breathe.

peace.

ki.

<3.

language.

images.

courage.

mystery.

unknown.

invisible.

gracious.

grateful.

gratitude.

cohesive.

wonder.

blessing.

presence.

inspire.

dream.

family.

friends.

animals.

rocks.

trees.

unconditional.

i am here now.

it doesn’t matter what’s happened in the past.

i am here now…

to see beauty.  to be a friend.  to learn.  to live life big and full.  to dream.  to smile.

to trust.

to trust the process.

to trust myself.

to give love and to receive love.

to forgive.

to laugh, sometimes so hard my cheeks hurt.

to embrace happiness and sadness.

to accept.

to experience joy.

to dance.

to watch the clouds and the sunset.

to watch butterflies flutter and listen to birds sing.

to smell flowers.

to have a clear conscience.  to do my best.  to move forward with clear intention.

to have hope.

to inspire and be inspired.

to breathe deep.

brown rice fast: day one

i had planned to start my 3-day brown rice fast yesterday with the new moon and new year, but i had one leaf of chard left and tofu that wouldn’t be so great by the end of the week.  i cooked them up last night for dinner with carrots, onions, wakame, and brown rice.  made a tahini-tamari-dill dressing too.  had the left overs for breakfast and a snack, and it will be just brown rice for the next three days.  (and maybe some ginger)  we’ll see how it goes.  tried it last year at the end of winter and only lasted a day.

easing into it for sure.  a couple of reasons i decided to do it now are:  i’m due for cleansing and i’ve noticed lines on my toe nails indicating i’m a little malnourished.  i think it’s from too much gluten, so after the 3-day brown rice fast i’m going to continue with no gluten.  why aren’t there amazing gluten-free bagels in new york?!  i think eventually i can reintroduce it in small amounts.

i know i’m due for a cleansing because, well, i know what i’ve been digesting the last few months.   the holidays were off the hook.  when i finished you are all sanpaku a couple weeks ago, i thought as soon as the new moon, i’m doing a brown rice fast.    at the end he talks about the yin and yang of urine and bowel movements.  so i’ve been paying attention to mine ( they have been yin,  not surprising).  i remember how much my skin, teeth, and nails changed after eating 3 macro meals/day for 5 days.   although my condition was much different then, i know there will be noticeable changes with the fast.   if i can do it more than 3 days, i might.  not ready for a 10-day fast, nor do i think it’s necessary right now.

energy into reality

i love that i saw this posted on facebook today.

before i saw it i was walking to oro with an envelope that needed mailing.   i couldn’t find a mailbox to drop my mail, only the the kind they use to store the mail they are delivering.  after several blocks, almost to my destination, i thought, “maybe i’ll run into a letter carrier.”  as i looked west on broome hoping to see a mailbox at centre st., a mailman appeared.  perfect.  i love it when things like that happen.  actually turned out better because it will definitely be postmarked today.

movement in the presence of fear

i love this anais nin quote, “life shrinks or expands in proportion to one’s courage.”

it’s true, life really does expand with courage.  when we move in the presence of fear, more possibilities open up for us. often times, what we thought would be scary is not so bad.  we might as well enjoy and trust the process.  to live a life limited by doubt and fear is a disservice to the self.  it leads to unhappiness and a shrunken life.  courage gives us strength and a sense of accomplishment.   so be brave.  be bold.  be happy.

healing

learning how to walk again has been tough.  i’m really strolling more than walking, but check back tomorrow.  every day a new mini milestone sprouts.  slow and steady.  yesterday i went to a yoga class at strala.  so glad i went. last time i was there was valentine’s day.  there were things i couldn’t do that i wanted to do because i’ve done them before.  definitely frustrating at times. almost had a meltdown towards the end.  i had to keep telling myself to not get on the bus…to stay at the station.  thank you william.  and to breathe and stay with my breath.  meltdowns are okay.  they’re not just okay, they’re fabulous…the release.  you know, the feeling of a good cry when you haven’t had one in awhile?  i’ve actually had 5 meltdowns now in the last 11 weeks since i shredded the ligaments in my right ankle.  3 of them were in the first week.  one of them was last night when i got home.  and it felt good.  overall, on many levels, this whole experience has been amazing.  i suppose meltdowns are part of it, the amazing.  there’s something very special about raw emotion.  what i’ve noticed though through meltdowns and almost meltdowns is that they come from being outside of the present.  overall, the process yesterday at yoga was really beautiful, as has this process of rehabilitation.  but when i think of the future or the past, i become attached to some sort of expectation.  and then it becomes upsetting.

 

so, on the flip side, there were lots of things i could do, and i had a great workout.  i can do downward and upward dog, i just can’t transition smoothly from one to the other.  and that’s okay. it’s where i am.  next week will be different.  it may bring new frustration.  but it will also bring new accomplishment.

after class i was putting on my shoes and another person from class came out and asked, “what did you do to your ankle?”  i hadn’t realized anyone had noticed.  i told her.  and she said, “well you did great.”  ahhh.  such a warm thing to say.  a great outing all around really.  on my way home, i passed a man sitting at starbucks on 84th and 1st who said, “you’re gonna be alright.”  i totally appreciate it.  i stopped for a second and chatted with him.  i don’t know what it is.  maybe i have a serious look on my face because i’m concentrating because i actually have to think with each step. or maybe i look like i’m in pain.  i don’t know.  i don’t feel miserable or unhappy.  it’s quite the opposite, but it is uncomfortable at times and super challenging.  to be surrounded by kind and compassionate strangers is fantastic.  really.  major gratitude.