at the lakehouse

one of the most remarkable changes i saw this summer was during my visit to the lake. my best friend from childhood had a bunch of us out to her parents’ lakehouse near gun barrel city, texas.

it had been exactly 4 years since i’d been there. at that time it had been less than 6 months since her mother passed away from cancer. the house hadn’t been updated since her parents built it in 1971. the dock was in disrepair. the boat was not functioning. there were heavy drapes, vertical blinds, and banana yellow carpeting.

her father remarried. his new wife took charge of the updating. inside the house felt fresh and vibrant. hardwood flooring replaced the carpeting everywhere but the living room floor, still undecided and bare concrete. i recommended sealing the concrete. the heavy drapes and vertical blinds are gone. the dark wood painted white. a new dock was built. waverunners and a new boat were added. a fire pit. a huge storage shed that is completely organized. it was reminiscent of a brady bunch reunion. where everything is sort of the same but entirely different.

not sure why i didn’t take any pictures of any of these changes.


my friend’s dad built these awesome bench swings. this one used to be in the yard, now it’s on the upper level of the dock. it says waistin’ time.


it was so lovely spending time floating around off the dock. because of the drought, the lake was 6 feet lower than normal.


this is the hootin holler. a must stop when visiting gun barrel city.


fireworks from the fire pit.


this area was completely overgrown with ivy last time i visited.


remnants of fireworks the next morning.


lakes are so peaceful in the morning.


i had never seen the pool table before because it was always covered and always had things on top of it. apparently it’s in need of repair, but since it’s an antique the repairmen didn’t want to take the chance of  damaging it. my friend’s father said he’d be dead when it’s taken out of the house. i’m glad he put his foot down.

the worst part is the person next door who owned 3 lots died. the lots got split. 2 mcmansions were built and a tiny slice with trees is left between their house and the mcmansions. if someone builds on the lot it will ruin everything.


change is the most fascinating of all phenomena

did a late summer cleaning.

always start with the surface. sweeping all the dust out from under my bed reminds me how dirty the air is living so close to the BQE. although, all 7 apartments where i’ve lived in NYC have gotten really dirty really quickly. the air here is dirty.

i came across an “autobiography” that i wrote in my Life Stories class senior year at Elon. my immediate reaction was, not much has changed. how could that be? so much has changed. my voice has definitely changed drastically for starters. my friends have changed, my circle has changed. in some ways nothing has changed at all. how can that be?

the most gradual change rests in the deepest depths. the karmic lessons. maybe that’s why the only lasting change must come from within. in some ways i feel like i’m still inside of the cocoon. no matter how deep i go, there’s always another layer to peel. i feel love, joy, and gratitude for the friends who have been/are present on the journey.

from a writing prompt, what i want:

what i want…i want to be happy.

i want a job i love.

i want enthusiasm and energy.

i want to never lose my mind.

i want a perfect boy.

i want to give,

to contribute,

somehow make a difference.

i want my dreams to never end.

i want to be tan

and i want to be healthy.

i want to conquer.

i want to read more books.

i want my parents to be happy.

i want to think about others.

i want to live in Spain.

i want to travel.

i want to go to South America.

i want the earth to be clean.

the craziness to end,

the suburbs to explode.

i want to make art,

and i want to make money.

i want to learn how to blow glass.

i want to use public transportation.

i want the days to be warm and sunny.

i want to see frogs fall from the sky.

i want to eat good food.

i want to not lose touch with my friends.


maybe someday kids,

a dog,

and a cat.

i want to play.

i want to feel,

want to be,

want to want.

i want to be successful,

good things for other people.

i want to see the leaves change in the fall.

i want to swim in the Mediterranean.

i want a Picasso original.

i want to meet someone i love.

i want to run through a field

of wildflowers

and tumble down

a grassy knoll.

i want others to have good thoughts of me.

i want to look at the stars

through a telescope.

may 2001.

life of wallet, celebrated

i bought this wallet in 2002 at a little head shop in plano called retro revolution.  it was a place that didn’t exist when i was in high school, seemed like a big deal at the time. they sold bongs, in plano. and beautiful glass jewelry, i still have a piece i bought there.

the wallet was $10. i bought it because i lost the indigo yak wool coin purse i’d had for only a short time. there was an era of my early adulthood when i lost my wallet all the time. (i think i got the indigo yak wool coin purse at emeralds to coconuts in dallas. it was summertime when i lost it, so i must have only had it a month or two.) my maryland driver license was in the indigo yak wool coin purse,  problematic because i’d moved back to texas. all of this was so long ago, i was a different person then.

so here the trusty little durable velcro hemp wallet is, 11 years later. a little bit worn, but still totally functional. it’d probably last another 11 years if i wanted it to, but it’s time to move on.  i can’t believe it never got lost, that might be more amazing than its durability.


i stumbled upon a tibetan store walking down 2nd avenue the other day. i used to live in the neighborhood, but never noticed it. probably better that way, he’s got so many great things inside. at some point i have to go back to get the telescope and compass, but i couldn’t pass up this coin purse (and a couple of scarves and a magic skirt).


death becomes monsanto and everything it touches

about 4 years ago i attended a workshop in seattle entitled “positive transformation in a time of global change”. not only did it change my life and encourage me along my path, it made me feel hopeful and optimistic. i saw a future that was promising and in tune with natural order. a future where ecology is considered. it is a future with a holistic approach. a big picture. a future where bandaids aren’t patched over symptoms. it was all clear and simple. it plainly and eloquently illustrated a future with clear a conscious.

last night, president obama (president sexypants, i used to refer to him) signed H.R. 933, which contained the monsanto protection act, into law. more than 250,000 Americans who asked that he use his executive authority to veto it. everything monsanto touches, historically, turns to cancer. there is absolutely no integrity involved in anything the corporation does. i was actually born at night, but not last night; i know money talks. i know how politics works.

the signing of this provision is disastrous. it opens the floodgates further. enough is enough, as my soccer coach used to say with his long island accent. how much worse do things have to become before they get better?

so obama has lost his sexypants status. it reminds me of when my mother, who was a big ann richards supporter, found out she supported tobacco lobbyists. while it’s true that politicians can never be trusted or depended upon, they are elected by the people, for the people. the signing of this provision was neither in the best interest of the people of this country (nor the global community), it was not what the people wanted.


i have been inspired since my trip to LA or maybe it’s that winter is coming to an end. probably both. i’ve been shifting things around, making space for new things, deep cleaning. it’s been great.

before, in the corner of my bedroom i had a silkscreen canvas propped against the wall on top of an applebox. it’s an area of the room that doesn’t get much traffic, but it’s what i see when i wake up in the morning. on the wall i have a collection of images, notes from friends, quotes like “one peaceful world”, “it is beautiful to love and be free at the same time”, “the world is ruled by letting things take their course, it cannot be ruled by interfering”, the list of organs and their corresponding time of day and animal, and my birth chart tacked to the wall. down below is a columbia school of the arts canvas bag that zips full of winter hats, scarves, and gloves. it’s been kind of a stagnant no-man’s land space for too long.


i’d been wanting to add another plant to my room. i have a couple on the window sill. i wanted a mother in law’s tongue. in all my shifting and cleaning, i moved the mother in law’s tongue from the living room and found a spot for it on top of the apple box.



instant gratification. happiness. the space feels like it’s received a much needed activation, total transformation.  i hope the plant likes it’s new spot. i think it’s perfect–the upward tree-energy movement of the leaves changed the way the room feels entirely, not just in this spot. amazing what a little life does for a space.


the knave of chalices

i signed up to get a daily tarot card reading the other day, which i’ve been enjoying for the last two days with the exception of all the junk email that has been coming along with it. maybe i need to get myself a set and do it the old fashioned way.

today i got the KNAVE OF CHALICES.

“this card suggests TRUST. i am enthusiastic, open, and trusting about my new  found feelings, capacity, passion, or hearts desire. i wear my heart on my sleeve and i am happy when sharing or expressing pleases and connects me to the support, beauty, and love in others. i am empowered by attention and my gift is desire or epiphany.”

TRUST. interesting, because while i was sleeping, trust was definitely a theme in my dream. so i got to thinking about trust and did a little digging. it’s easy for me to trust the process, trust that things in my life will work out. that’s more of a MACRO VIEW. the MICRO VIEW of trust is on an individual level. The macro view can be seen and practiced with disregard to the micro view. maybe that’s where i want to be hanging out? the micro view is so much more complex and challenging. it can make my head spin. it seems sort of dependent on expectations and attachment to outcomes, but i still have to have trust in the individuals in my life. it’s tricky.

a trustor becomes completely dependent on the trustee. even if the trustee is trustworthy, the trustor is still vulnerable. being vulnerable and having uncertainty can be scary. there’s risk involved. regaining trust is difficult once it is lost, depending on the severity.

there is beauty in vulnerability, though. and there are certainly lessons to be learned in losing, gaining, and earning trust. i have come to understand that there is a relationship between being dependent and dependable on a quest for independence. likewise i think a person who is trustworthy may attract others who are trustworthy. it doesn’t mean people won’t disappoint or break our trust. if there aren’t any cracks, the light can’t shine through, right? it’s a slippery slope, though. deep cracks won’t hold water.

but what can you do? people are imperfect. just as there is beauty in vulnerability there is beauty in trusting unconditionally. that doesn’t mean closing the eyes and becoming blind. trust seems no less powerful than love.  funny how they accompany each other. without trust, how can a person love?

the nice thing about trust is that when you find out someone is untrustworthy, it isn’t necessary to keep them around. it’s okay to let go and find love and trust elsewhere, even if the only person you have to trust and love is yourself.